My whole life I have been troubled by gloomy periods. I often feel dull. I regularly shoot down in a kind of free fall and rush through my head: “I want to die, I don’t want this bad life.” There is usually a (small) reason, I see that too, but I can’t stop it . I have tried everything since I was 25: rogerian, psychoanalytic, contextual and cognitive therapy, mindfulness and all kinds of pills. Certainly in the last few years something has helped, but it is not enough.
The psychotherapist with whom I am treating had heard a lecture from Bram Wernsen about rTMS. He suggested that maybe I could try this, something other than talking (again). After an intake and an EEG the treatment started. Bram had said that after about ten times you could tell if it worked. After the fifth time I didn’t notice anything and I panicked: “this doesn’t help either.” Yet I continued.
After the eighth session I noticed a change, I didn’t fall down anymore. I was very careful at first, didn’t really dare to trust it. But it stayed that way. I am now almost 2 months further, the rTMS treatment has since stopped, but I still feel good. The matte is still there regularly, but I can deal with that, partly because of what I have learned before. I cannot remember that I have never fallen down for such a long period. The strange thing is that this is not because I am doing my best, but it just does not happen!